My first poem since joining! Yay! lol Crit will be very much appreciated. Thanks!
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It is on the rickety porch,
Where I wait for it still.
My soles are wearing thin,
There’s no more time to kill.
The wood whines,
As though it is two.
Whilst I wait anxiously,
For the flashing red and blue.
There’s chaos brewing inside,
Mom’s cries.
Dad’s lies.
My fear I cannot hide.
Shrill screams zoom down my street,
They’re getting closer.
For once I can’t move my feet.
It’s time.
The gunshots,
They still sing.
The hits,
They still swing.
The predator has already gone,
Leaving his prey in woe and sorrow.
I cross my fingers, toes, and legs,
That they will bring him down tomorrow.
It is on the rickety porch,
Where I wait for it still.
My soles are wearing thin,
There’s no more time to kill.
The wood whines,
As though it is two.
Whilst I wait anxiously,
For the flashing red blue.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I love your poem, Tigger Tigg, and I'm not just saying that because I'm your girlfriend. I mean that honestly. My only suggestion to you would be, as DD told you before, watch your rythm, darling. (I hope I'm explaining this the right way)
It goes from:
a
b
c
b
To:
a
b
b
a
Then:
a
b
a
c
Then you're back to:
a
b
c
b
Next is:
a
b
c
b
And you end with:
a
b
c
b
But, yes, that's my only suggestion to you. Your keen eye for description and imagery will eventually kill you one day, love! Gah! lol ^_^ You focus more so on visual effects, which I must say is extremely well done, and not so much on the build up, construction, and foundation. You know?
Well, anyway. You did a very nice job on this for you first try, and I look forward to seeing what you post next.
Love you now till no more,
*~Aquarius Angel~*
P.S. Next time, let me beta first? lol Ciao
Nice, Pisces, for your first post on the site. And on that note, welcome. ^_^ I very much hope you enjoy your time here.
And now onto the poem...
This didn't quite work for me, but I can see that you've got a lot of potential here. Your rhyme scheme is well-done but your rhthym is all over the place - something to look at. It doesn't flow very well as it is, it goes every which way and drags the reader along a bit confused.
I do like some of your imagery, though: the rickety porch, the worn-thin soles. The repetition of the first and last stanzas was also very nice and it wrapped things up well. ^_~
I would not say that this is necessarily a fine poem as it stands by itself, but I certainly see potential and capability behind it. Don't lose hurt, Pisces. ^_^ I look forward to more your work.
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(Critted for the CCF)